No expat foodie, I was faced by a culinary disaster while living in an African village. Attempting to cook Dutch comfort food, I was defeated by a pan of petrified green split peas. I was mystified and distraught, until enlightenment struck.

After years of living as an expat in the US, I still have trouble subduing my inner Dutch girl with her opinions and judgments and directness. So if you’re an American, you’ll want to stop reading, because here’s my list of 7 American things I don’t do . . .

The mystery of sex: How can you be grumpy on a Italian summer evening sitting on a moonlit terrace with a stunning view of the Bay of Naples? At the table next to us sits an American couple in their sixties with bad body language and no love hormones running rampant . . .

Straight out if the movies: Four good-looking, rugged guys on camels with meters of cloth wrapped around their heads to protect against sand and sun — dusty, dirty and starving. Dutch and American, they show their true colors when looking for food.

Humorous quotations about expat life and travel. Have a laugh about the different perspectives and opinions about life abroad. Some pearls of wisdom, some fake.